Navigating Together: Understanding and Addressing Mental Health Challenges in Marriage – Check out the four questions that our counselor has provided answers to. If you cannot find the answer here, look at our upcoming sessions or make it available again.
Questions:
- Question 1. Depressed Husband
- Question 2. How do I get my family to be okay?
- Question 3. Marriage and career made impossible, can Allah ever be able to help me?
- Question 4. My Husband
Question 1. Depressed Husband
I have been married to my husband for more than 30 years. I found out just a few years ago that he physically abused me all through my life. When I became physically sick. My mental health began to decline due to the constant pressure to walk on eggshells with him. I have grown children who are a 23-year-old boy and a girl who is 19 with us. I decided to break up with my husband because he failed to have him counseled, and he was given depression medications by our family doctor, which he ended up using only occasionally, and he has refused to attend counseling. I’m incredibly lonely at times. I work part-time and earn enough money to be able to rent a new home, and I’m afraid of living alone.
My son has a wife and would like to split up when his job is found since he’s still studying, and my daughter will be starting university soon. My second fear is that if I go to the house, he’ll start savagely abusing my daughter since she’s weak.
Please assist.
Salam alaikom, dear sister,
Thank you for reaching out to us with your inquiry.
I am sorry that you’ve been going through a difficult time in your relationship.
Mental health issues are, unfortunately, a source of trouble not just for the individual who is affected but in his immediate environment, which includes the family.
If your husband suffers from depression or other mental health issues, it can be a significant challenge, especially when he isn’t adhering to medication or struggles to acknowledge his issue.
Denial, negation, and refusal to seek assistance are all too common and may cause more problems for the individual and his entire family.
With this said, my dear, it’s pretty natural that this has hurt your mental health as well.
Have you received an individual counseling session regarding this?
If you still need to, I recommend consulting an expert counselor and attending several sessions in which you will be able to discuss the impact of this circumstance on you. A qualified counselor can provide suggestions for dealing with your situation.
You’ve mentioned that you’re sometimes isolated and that Allah helps you feel less lonely. I’m curious about how you could respond to overcome these emotions.
Understandably, looking for solutions to your marriage or separation could take time, energy, and resources. But how do you go about the best way to get involved in a sport? Are you interested in any of the following hobbies? Which or whom do you prefer to spend your time with? Family, children, or perhaps specific hobbies? Nature, arts and crafts, or a great time with your loved ones?
How do you schedule your programs to ensure you can have positive experiences that help you cope with loneliness?
Sometimes, even in our marriages, we don’t have the true love of our partner. However, we can find it in other places. These factors can lift your spirits and encourage you to discover other places for happiness and inspiration.
Additionally, this absence of companionship can be temporary when the spouse, for any reason, isn’t around. It could be due to absence because of work, an extended family trip, a beach trip, etc. We must be at peace and look at what we can do to get the most out of this peace that Allah has given us.
So, my dear, be sure to trust Allah and His plans and focus on the blessings that you enjoy within your own life.
Concerning your husband, I’m advising you to do this in the possibility of him having a mental illness.
Be aware of his situation. If you have a friend who suffers from depression, his mood and thought process is likely affected. Try to see the negative thoughts as a result of his condition; it isn’t him or himself and is caused by something external, the illness, that causes him to behave in this manner. When he is better, his outlook on life will also change.
Try to be patient with him, accept his faults, and treat him with respect in the name of Allah. In no way is it my intention to endure violence or oppression; instead, to ignore and excuse errors that are outside of his reach. However, if you or your child is experiencing abuse of any kind, You must seek assistance and handle the circumstance accordingly.
If your loved one suffers from depression, Finding motivation and purpose can be difficult. However, you might be able to help him. What you should look at is ways to help him in his recovery.
Be positive and assure him you will be there for whatever he requires. Try to convince him that it is possible to live without these issues and that you are entitled to maintain the best health and well-being for both your mental and emotional well-being, wellbeing and both of you share an obligation or “duty” to find ways to improve them. Find some examples of anyone who has successfully fought this disease. Inspire him to stick to treatment, as medications and therapy can change the course of treatment. Do it for Allah’s benefit and with a caring mindset so that he will feel worthy and respected.
It is also essential to understand the consequences if he does not take action. He may lose his family members and wife in the process. Mental illness is not a valid excuse as a reason to excuse ill-treatment since he’s still accountable for his actions when he is in a healthy mind. Make sure he can find the good in things, give him positive encouragement for his achievements, and help him take care of himself and act incrementally in a pure manner in the name of Allah.
It’s more complex than it seems, requiring some patience. However, know you are assured that Allah will reward you for your efforts. You might not receive your husband’s desired and well-deserved love today, but you can expect the rewards and blessings from Allah for your good deeds.
In the meantime, ensure that you are also taking charge of your health by taking proper care of yourself and recognizing your achievements to be content in your other pursuits with your children and family members and in the memory of Allah. Your wellbeing is also essential, and you are entitled to the best treatment and respect in your marriage.
It is recommended that you discuss this matter more in-depth with a professional counselor and your separation plans to figure out what you could do to achieve the best possible outcome for your family and you.
Here are some more ideas:
I’m married to a depressed man.
May Allah bless you. Ameen.
Question 2. How do I get my family to be Okay
The home is highly emotional and abusive. Fearful that I’ll cause harm and break my family like I did while in a mental health facility for nine months. They got so angry and depressed.
I’ve been trying to get out since I contacted a lot of organizations and police 10 times and many times to escape. I was in a respite brief placement because they knew the difficulties it was for me. When I would not leave, they demanded my parents accept a clause.
My social worker agreed to let me go, and we’ll address the issues. However, my family keeps putting it off. I don’t want the families suffering to return, as well as the severe depression. I believe it’s real, even though they say it’s because I’m unable to leave my home, but I don’t wish to harm my family’s place I’m in until the reunion.
I’m keen to leave, and I have not found any evidence of SM wrong; it’s more of an anxiety that makes me not want to be in my aunties’ home. I’m unsure how to explain why the family said they’d be signing and hurting them. It’s it’s tough and hesitant.
It’s going to be different. I want to be a part of the “daily life” and see children grow up. In the meantime, I’ve tried everything to talk with my family members.
I’d love to go. However, I’m scared that they’ll be injured, and filling out the form will be very difficult for them and highly stressful for them when they hear that the social worker is scheduled to show up, as they’ve promised to, and it’s all up for them to sign, but I’m worried they’ll not sign, and I’m unable to stay at home.
I cannot go to visit at any time I’d like. My mom has been pestering me for five hours, and I’ll not be part of the family. I’m the oldest daughter as well as granddaughter, so I’m extremely important. My auntie and my grandparents know little, but they don’t know the place I’m planning where I plan even now. It’s too much, and I don’t know which way to go.
I’m terrified of what happens to them. Visiting will be very regulated, and I’m not willing to be a victim of emotions. I feel like my family members are broken, and it’s my fault.
I’m scared to death. Do not want it to be like a hospital. I want it to be okay and my family members are happy, not depressed. Although it’s not the most pleasant, my whole family hopes for me to be the oldest child to stay at home.
How can I make my family members less depressed? Should I ever go to them, and if so, what should I do?
Salam alaikom, dear sister,
Thank you thank you for reaching us. I pray that Allah brings peace and calm, makes it easier to manage your issues, and heals you.
You have gone through a complicated and challenging moment. I pray that Allah will be with you through this.
What I gathered from your letter was that you cannot leave, or something is happening that has made you feel fearful of returning. Social services and the authorities are also involved, as per my perception.
At the same time, you’d like to be in your family, feel an integral part of your family, and then blame yourself for what has happened. You are worried that something terrible could befall them due to the incident.
Sister, I’m not sure what’s been happening. I can only say that Allah is in your corner and will safeguard you. If you put your faith in Him and trust in His justice, be assured that no harm will occur.
Social workers, the authorities, and psychiatrists are on hand to assist and shield your family from any perceived danger. They are doing an excellent job. If they don’t have solid evidence, they’re not likely to take any action or make any detrimental decision to your family.
They help you with your health and wellness and provide the appropriate protection if required. The best thing to do for you right now is that you need to be in contact with your family, particularly if you’ve had a home experience of conflict you would prefer not to discuss through your correspondence. It is better for your health to stay away from them now and away from them until you’re better.
I’m also sure that your family members love you and will not blame you for harm. They certainly want to see you in good health and well. If, at this moment, you require hospitalization to improve your health, it is the most appropriate way to go.
If you suffered any harm, sister, it’s not your responsibility. Additionally, what might have occurred to your siblings is not the fault of you or your responsibilities, regardless of whether you’re the one with the most experience.
You may be concerned for them and wish all the best for your beloved family members, but you have to believe in Allah and the other people around you, who will be there to assist both of them. The first step is to relax, take a break, relax, and attempt to concentrate on your wellbeing and improving.
Make sure you cooperate with doctors and follow the regimen, and in the name of Allah, in the near future, your thinking will be clearer, and you’ll be able to see things from a different perspective.
Your health is the top priority at this moment, and you should not be too focused on others. When you’re healthier, you will have occasions to discuss and discuss questions, and you’ll see that there isn’t any fault or responsibility on your behalf for this.
Therefore, you should trust Allah and believe in His plans and assistance. If Allah has sent the mental health and social work professionals and these social workers to safeguard you, then you are in good hands.
Be patient and be aware that Allah is by your side. Make sure to keep Him in mind and feel peace within the fact that.
May Allah help you. Ameen.
Question 3. If my career/marriage is impossible, will Allah ever be able to give me a chance?
Salam Alaikum
I’m in a difficult situation. I’m in the middle of a Rizq trial where it’s not available to me. Prior to this trial, I suffered from severe illness, so it’s trial after trial.
I graduated from the university about three years ago in business, and I haven’t been able to find a job in this field. I’ve tried to find a job but without success. The market is saturated. There was a change in the market, and I was required to finish my high school education from the beginning and add it to going to university.
I’ve also tried seeking someone to partner with. I’ve asked my family members and my mother for assistance; however, they aren’t able to help as they don’t have anyone to talk to. My sister, who is 28, has the exact position. I’ve tried making many friends and volunteered within my local Muslim community. I’ve also tried online methods; however, it’s tough. I’ve asked my sisters for help, but they do not know anyone and have refused to refer me to the internet. I am constantly faced with cruel rejection and heartbreak due to the search engine, and I’ve decided never to use this method again.
There have been times when I have had to refuse. I have tried to be more modest with my expectations regarding educational background, age, or children; however, my family and friends think I shouldn’t. I don’t know what I should do. I’ve been praying to Allah for three years. I’ve asked several people to perform dua during hajj/umrah. I have performed a lot of sadaqa, good deeds, and prayers at all times in which dua is likely to be answered. But to no avail. I’m feeling wholly unloved and frequently cry myself to sleep. I’m scared of committing massive wrongs due to this, like others I know.
Recently, a sound my friend was blessed. She received an excellent education and was then proposed to by a guy she knew. I’ve lost the desire to pray to Allah and haven’t yet done it since a few months ago, as I’m sure I won’t get a response and have accepted that my situation isn’t feasible.
I don’t know what to do now. The experience has led to feelings of anger and discontent towards Allah and dismay. I’ve read books about dua and the way it works and Qadar. I thought that Allah had made promises to me that he would respond. However, there is no sign to answer one of my questions.
I was reading hadeeth on how important marriage is, yet we aren’t able to get married, even if we would like to. How do you keep the patience? How can one protect themselves from Zina?
What can one do to accept the fact that you will never be married emotionally or psychologically? I attempt to distract myself from tasks, but these thoughts have resurfaced daily for many years.
Salam alaikom, dear sister,
Thank you for letting me know about your experience. I’m genuinely sorry for your comments about your experiences and feelings.
It’s heartbreaking for me to hear about your sadness and your despair.
It can be tough waiting for things to happen while always observing that things don’t take place the way we’d like them to.
Masallah, You said you’ve tried various things, such as learning dua, learning, etc.
Unfortunately, I cannot determine what’s to come for you or what time Allah has planned for the event. This is the sole realm for Allah (swt), who is the one who delays and is the most efficient planner.
However, I would like to know if you’ve ever tried a different option: changing your perception and understanding of the events taking place (or, better, that are not happening) by you.
Keep in mind that Quran verse:
Allah cannot change the situation of a group until they alter what they have in them.” Quran 13:11
What would you do if you tried to discover different explanations for your situation?
For instance:
Allah knows the best thing for you, and you should be a decent and righteous person with the education and mentality you require. When you were rejected, God could have shielded you from the negative consequences that these relationships could result in.
Online matchmaking is effective for a few people, but there’s a significant chance of risk because of the uncertainties and potential for misinformation and fraudulent activities. If you do decide to not to go about your marriage search using this method, it’s to your benefit and further protection against fraud, alhamdulillah.
Participating within the Muslim community and volunteering masala can result in Allah’s blessings, mainly when you do it with the right motives. It might not lead to friends with like-minded people or true friendships; however, it will bring you the satisfaction of being a servant to others and your family.
The rejected works may have been associated with fields that could need a significant compromise to your values or design. Therefore, Allah withheld those opportunities to shield you from such dangers. He is the One who has all the power, and He is the One who will be there for you.
Have you thought of ideas for possible solutions? This could be connected to your job or part of it. When faced with this, you should focus on the next step rather than the overall idea of what you wish to accomplish in your life because it could stop you from taking on proposals that will lead you to the next step. Sometimes, we turn down suggestions or even small, minor opportunities because we believe they are irrelevant to our ultimate objectives. However, there is learning potential everywhere, and they also enrich our professional and personal growth.
These are just a few examples, and my goal in using them is to demonstrate that even in the most difficult times, we can find peace and Allah.
You might have heard of the hadith that says:
Strange are the methods of a person who is a believer, as there is goodness in all of his activities in life, which isn’t like any other but for an individual who is a believer. If the occasion arises for him to be delighted, then he praises (God) for it, and thus there is something good for him to be in it, and if he finds himself in troubles and demonstrates resignation (and is patiently endured), then there is a benefit for him from the process. (Muslim)
I am aware that a lengthy period during which we are feeling stuck and do not take any obvious action could be exhausting and complex; however, the only thing I can affirm is that none of these times should be enough to cause us to give up on pleading with Allah and abandoning our faith in Him.
Therefore, I request you to return in your salah. If you feel guilty for letting it go, be aware that Allah is adamant about those who turn back and can begin again and then return to Him.
The best thing to do is ask yourself: If the things I’m looking forward to aren’t happening at the moment, what else can I get from the moment Allah has granted me? Sure, you can profit from what you already have.
It could be your family members and their presence, which should be appreciated before everyone leaves. You may have time you could utilize for something you feel happy about.
Consider and list the blessings you have. Are they? Your health, if you’ve recovered it after an illness, your loved ones, beautiful and good conditions, smiles, etc. You can believe that they are all blessings from Allah that have been given to you, eagerly awaiting your appreciation.
Try to be thankful for everything you have and make plans and goals for the future.
Do you have a good group of people you can talk to regarding your plans? Discussing and chatting about them can also lead to more thoughts and help get you on track.
Try to keep a positive attitude regardless of times of loneliness and despair. Being sad and dissatisfied is normal and acceptable when things don’t turn out as planned.
However, alhamdulillah, we have the option to look at the positive aspects of circumstances and trust that Allah knows the best moment and time for us all.
